I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize