i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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