Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
