He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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