So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
