i was born a porn star she said
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
