I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
