I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
