Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
