I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
