Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
