I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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