Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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