What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also, beer. Big fan.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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