last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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