Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
