I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
