i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
