Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
