Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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