Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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