tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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