I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
