He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize