Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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