so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
