How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I've blown a few things in my day
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize