I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
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