remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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