I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
