Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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