I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
