I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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