Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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