We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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