$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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