I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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