So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
