just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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