I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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