I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
