I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We have so much sex to catch up on
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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