I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What a dumb baby whore.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
