If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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