Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize