My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
