I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
