The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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