I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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