I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
