Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
