Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You need Xanax blowdarts
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
