I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
