Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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