nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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