I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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