Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
