alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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