I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
