i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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