At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize