i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
