NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
