Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize