I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize