I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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